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About Photography / Hobbyist Member amandaFemale/United States Groups :iconhorse-art-addicts: Horse-Art-Addicts
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I'm at a loss. I have a boyfriend of two years that I love very much. We get along great, although no relationship is perfect. On the other hand, we live in his parents attic and I can't find a decent job no matter what I do. I've been looking for years and can't find anything better than crappy hours and minimum wage. I have a job opportunity in Alaska and can stay with my uncle, but my boyfriend won't come with me. So it's him in Pennsylvania and a crappy life, or Alaska and prosperous. I'm terrible at making new friends, let alone finding someone else like him. I'm losing sleep over it..
I got the pleasure of working both trick or treat and halloween this year. I work at a pet store. During trick or treat, the store was empty most of the night, but tonight is halloween and I'd like to dress up a bit and hand out candy to the kids that come in. I need it to be minimal so I can function, I was thinking cat ears and wisker makeup...but that seems kinda lame, any more ideas?
I'm in therapy, I've tried anti-deressants (which all made me very sick)...I refuse to go to a hospital, I don't know what else to do.

I've had very few friends in school, I put up with the abuses of a bullshit school to get my associates in business administration...I can't find a job, ANYWHERE. I am working 15 hours a day between two dead end jobs. They use me, and I know it, and I can't do anything about it. I make minimum wage at both, I can't afford anything. I can't afford to get my vehicle inspected this month, I can barely afford to feed myself. I live rent free with my boyfriend and his parents, I don't have a smartphone, but my vehicle costs a fortune. It's always breaking down or needing something, but I can't get financing on a new vehicle without a legit fucking job.

I don't get to see my family, I rarely get to see my boyfriend, I don't have any time to myself to enjoy things, I can't afford nice things. My health is going down the drain, but the doctor can't find me a job, so therefore, they're useless.

I am so sick and tired of being everyone else's fucking mule. That's all I've ever been. I've tried to stand up for myself, and it ended in disaster, multiple times.

What am I supposed to do? My hands are going to be crippled in a few years from smashing them off of things so I don't hurt other people. It takes everything I've got to keep from purposely crashing my vehicle every morning on my way to work, and on my way home.
I suffer from pretty bad bipolar depression. All I do is work (65 hours a week) and sleep. Once in a blue moon my boyfriend and I will do something together. My therapist told me I need something to look forward to in my free time, a hobby that doesnt cost much. Her ideas were kinda useless, but she does have a point, but my interests are very fine tuned, and if I'm not interested in it, I won't do it.

I've ridden horses for 15 years, even had my own for a mere 3 years but had to give her up because my parents couldnt afford board. Now even though I work 65 hours a week, I make minimum wage, and have bills to pay, and there's no way in hell I can afford board for a horse. I have tried every single stable within a 50 mile radius and cant even find one to let me work for board. I'm also sick and tired of putting time into other people's horses for them to just turn around and screw me over. I do, however, collect toy horses...I'm 20 years old, so what! Anyways, that takes money, which I don't have much of. I like making stuff for them, but again, money for supplies...ugh!!!

Okay, let's move on, interest #2, reptiles. I have a few pet reptiles (seeing how I can't have a horse). I love them to death, but there's not really much you can do with them? I'd love to do presentations and whatnot with them, but very few people are comfortable with a 20 year old handling a 7 foot boa in a theres a huge liability risk, possibly a business license, etc. It's annoying.

Photography, I don't necessarily love it, but I do like it. I might have an ancient fujifilm camera, but it's better than nothing. Now, what I don't have, is a computer to upload photos laptop crashed a couple weeks ago and I can only use my work computer, but will be changing positions soon and won't have it anymore. So, that doesn't really help me much...

I like mudding, but again, too poor to have my own quad or dirtbike. My boyfriends quad has been blown up for a year and he's too lazy to fix it, I can't afford to fix it, and he's afraid I'll get hurt riding his therapist suggested I go along and watch him ride with his friends...I tried to explain to her that I'd be sitting in the truck for 2 hours watching nothing because there's miles of trails, not just a single pit.

I absolutely love fishing, but refuse to go by myself (for various reasons) and it's just no fun. My boyfriend and I's work schedules usually clash, so we usually can't go together often. We went maybe 3 times this year. And, I have very few friends. I have pretty bad social anxiety, so making friends isn't easy, at all. And I'm really specific with who I want to go with. Some people I can tolerate, some I can't. My solution to this was to get a dog...I would absolutely LOVE to have a dog to keep me company while fishing, BUT I live with my boyfriend and his parents...they said no -.-

So, I apologize for such a long post, but I'm at a loss. I'm very limited with what I can do. I'm also very picky, even though I try not to be. I'be tried other hobbies, social events, etc...but I usually find that even though I'm trying to have fun, I'm quite miserable. I'm not the social type. Any ideas at all that aren't the usual: exercise, hike, draw, etc, etc....just no.


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Just sitting here tonight in one of those moods, figured id make a journal about it. Just feeling down on myself...blahhh...
  • Listening to: nothing
  • Watching: my monitor
  • Eating: my brains
  • Drinking: coffee


Artist | Hobbyist | Photography
United States
Welcome to my Deviantart page! My name is Manda. I am a huge horse and reptile fanatic. Ive rideen horses since i was 6 and have had reptiles for about 3 years now. Not sure what else to say! Have any questions, feel free to note me :D

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Heliaschleich Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2014
Thanks for the watch !
Richard-Cederfjard Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much for the :+devwatch:  :)
It means alot, take care :hug:
LordeBoy Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
happy bday
FractalMonster Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
:iconbouquetplz: :iconbouquetplz: :iconhappybirthdaysignplz: :iconskater4life509: :iconhappybirthdaysignplz::iconcakeplz: :iconcakeplz:
Elsapret Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I Love your Chameleon!Heart 
The-Suz Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013
Thanks for the fav!
CustomExotics Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Thank you for the fave! :D
HeroInACuteSmile Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
What got you to like reptiles and horses so much?
skater4life509 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
my mom rode horses when i was little, i wasnt really interested in them then, but i started taking lessons when i was 6 and have ridden ever since! ive always loved reptiles...would always be out in the woods catching them as a kid, and as soon as i got old enough to afford them, i started getting them :) i actually started with chameleons, which are considered one of the most difficult reptiles to have, and ive successfully kept and bred a couple different species for a number of years. i just recently gave the last of my chameleons to friends when i moved in with my boyfriend because theres no room for their cages :(
HeroInACuteSmile Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I've loved horses all my life,but I never got the chance to have riding lessons because my parents were to busy. Last year,on my twelfth birthday my dad arranged for me to have lessons, but,unfortunatly, dengue season started,so,I could'nt go,because the lessons were early in the mornig and evenings and that as the time the mosqitoes were out in the most numbers and that was that.No, I disagree! 
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